The Greatest Gift of All

Diverse toys + Mega Pooh

Consider a baby’s toy. Is it safe? Is it beautiful? Is it educational? Was it hand-stitched by ruddy-cheeked, well-insured farmers’ wives, or shat out in a plume of factory smog in a land whose only comparative advantages are coal and suffering?

There are many criteria by which to judge children’s playthings. But as anyone with a baby knows, the only thing that really matters is how loud it is.

I can instantly rank McNoodle’s toys in order of noisiness simply by recalling them in my order of preference. Quiet is good, noisy is horrible. Stuffed animals > foam blocks > that one stuffed bear that has a jingle bell embedded in its head > rustling fabric books > the fabric dog with the crinkly ears and honking foot > plastic stacking cups (individually lovely, collectively horrific) > rattles all sorts > battery-operated monstrosities.

In addition to toys, Noodle enjoys snacking on paper and plastic.

Battery-operated monstrosities, in fact, deserve their own category. The noodle loves them because they provide total and instant sensory overload. They light up and whirr and beep out little ditties about the alphabet. For the same reason, I only break out these babies in moments of true desperation.

Yet among these devilish gadgets is one so abhorrent it deserves special mention. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you: the Fisher Price Laugh and Learn Learning Wallet (only $9.99!).

Sure it’s electrified and loud, and almost certainly was not handcrafted on the banks of a Norwegian fjord, but what really sets it apart is its message. No numbers or letters over here, guys. My father Santa brought this in a fit of apparent insanity at Christmas. 

We unpacked it under the tree, opened its smiling blue cover and it burst into song: “Open up your wallet! Do you see a FRIEND? Maybe there’s some money for you to spend!”

Okay. There are a couple ways we can interpret these lyrics. The line “do you see a friend?” could be a totally random aside. “Let me open up my wallet and… hey! There’s Jimmy! Hi Jimmy! So anyway, do I have enough coins for this soda or what?” I’ll admit it’s possible. It is possible. 

Or, OR, this wallet is a sign of the End Times and the “friend” refers to one’s dwindling cash and mostly maxed-out credit cards. “Gee, I really want this sweater…which of these bits of plastic is gonna be my friend today? Is it you, little Visa? Or you, pretty Mastercard? Oh Chase. It’s been so long.”
Any other super obnoxious toys out there? Or am I overreacting?